Damn.
Life is about struggle. Don't like that, do you? No, not much.
I have always struggled. There has always been a 'what next' sooner than I was ever ready for it. Right now my life is pretty much perfect. This is a problem.
Crap.
Other than the nanny adjustment, um, there's no battle to fight. Cletus Marie's father has been more or less shamed into at least leaving her alone (plus he'll give me some money every month toward her upkeep - woohoo - I don't give a rat's ass, I didn't need him then and I don't need him now). My job is my job; I can be a corporate power house in my sleep and my boss is too cowed to give me much more than, um, what I can do. My children are children. My garden is green. The deer seem to have vanished (?). My best friend has not had a psychotic break lately. (lately) My son is living his own life and I don't freaking have to look (!!!).
Crap.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
I curled into my husband on our bed this evening and wailed (in my most dramatic fashion)...
My life is meaningless.....!!!!
(wah)
Seriously. It made him nervous. This is good. It means he knows me.
Bonzai!!!!!!
What next?
(bahahahahahahahahahah)
6 comments:
The hardest time I ever had (I think) was a time that I had worked toward for years . . . and when all those things came into alignment, oh dear, I was so lost. So later when I did goal setting with people getting out of prison, I warned them to beware getting what you ask for, ya know? Because we need a direction I think.
Yes. I used to just think it was me and my Border Collie nature. We are always expanding or contracting, never static and yet I resist change and upheaval.
Prison? You worked at a prison? Wow. That must have been intense. I think something like that might actually break me, at least as I imagine it.
That's been a big part of what's happened to me in the past year. I was working so desperately for a change, for a "goal", and once it was finally achieved I totally fell apart. I had nothing left, and no direction. Just beginning to get a little steadier on my feet really. And gosh, can I ever identify with being curled up on the bed and wailing about "no purpose". Best to you as you rediscover/reinvent yourself.
I worked with a program that worked in prisons and with people who had recently gotten out of prison. That's where I did the majority of my experiential education stuff (which it sounds like your brother does something like that, except with higher paying clients). And I'll tell you, prisons are just like anywhere else. Same people, same issues, same everything. A very enlightening bit of knowledge.
Anyway, I learned to never get everything going exactly the way I wanted it all at one time ever again! LOL!
OK, I'll say it. I hate your perfect life.
RW - I can only say this because I love you and you know I do...
FOOL!!!! (Go get Taco, would'ya?)
Post a Comment