Tired

I couldn't decide on which site tonight's entry belongs so here it is. Today is one of those days that I am unbearably tired. This is when I start looking at balance and trying to figure out where I am out of alignment and how I need to offset the deficit, or something like that. It almost always comes down to me trying desperately to be in control, or at least maintain the illusion of control. Takes up a fair good amount of psychic energy.

In the mean time I am drinking wine and eating leftover raspberry cobbler on the screened porch that looks out onto the swamp and hears the peepers in the spring and tree frogs in the summer.

I did a lot of work many years ago with one of those horribly cultish but remarkably useful transformational groups where 'coaching' is painful at best and traumatic most times. I guess I do prefer the 2x4 method of communication. Control and surrender were my two big boogies. Maybe it comes from being a type A latch key kid but I'm pretty damn well convinced that the fate of the universe, at least as it pertains to me and mine, rides securely and completely on my shoulders.

Has its uses but puts me in a nasty kind of box, doesn't it?

I read somewhere once that if you really want something you have to be willing to not have it. If you're completely vested in a thing and can only see one straight line toward the goal you're just as likely to get knocked off the path and come nowhere near what you wanted in the first place.

All good in theory but what happens when it's about your child?

I don't know. Just floundering this evening, I guess. Might be really helpful to be able to say, God, could you make this thing happen for me and mine? But that's never rung true for me in any case. I guess my relationship with God is such that He or She or whatever expects me to get on with it and work it out.

Sometimes though, sometimes I am unbearably tired.

Please, no footprint in the sand responses. I'll gag and then cry from the futility of it all.