oh.

I've had a glass of wine, it makes me feel calmer. That doesn't mean I'm any calmer, I just feel that way. I launched this site so that I would have a place to 'be' without feeling as if I had to 'be reasonable'. I have, after all, been WAY TO F$%#ING REASONABLE for way too long. And yet, I am very uncomfortable letting myself drift, flail, fall, stumble, LEAP into the realm of unreasonable.

Whew. That took effort.

I feel whinny. I hate feeling whinny. It's small and useless and yet, I do feel whinny. I hate that about myself. <= note, perfect example of self pity.

I am afraid to LEAP into unreasonable because I am afraid to let go of my very carefully crafted and nearly mastered illusion of control. There. I said (wrote) it. Here comes the equation!!!!

To let go of control is to be out of control
To be out of control is to be vulnerable
To risk vulnerable is to risk harm
To risk harm is to die
else
To be out of control is to risk error
To risk error is to risk punishment
To risk punishment is to die
else...

It's all hogwash but it drives me, what can I say?

Maybe if I could just add that that one last else statement that might wrap up my theoretical If / Then statement...

Nope, not working. I am still in a glut of pity party wallow badness. Ewe, I stink to high heaven right now; unclean, unclean, unclean (blah, blah, blah).

okhereswhati'mreallyupsetaboutrightnow

My son is pulling at my heartstrings but has declared himself my mortal enemy because I have tossed him from his mother's home and supported his minor sister in escaping from their father and this is all just way too much to bear. How can you choose to save one child if it means letting the other fall as he may? When one child has done grievous harm to another WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO???!!!

The therapist says I did the right thing and if I didn't that family services would have an awful lot to say about it if they ever found out oh my god i let my boy go please god help me i cannot reconcile this awfulness...

It happened the day after Christmas. It being just one of many but this is a biggie. I slept in, exhausted from the sensory overload of having my nearest and dearest fill up my home for two straight God Forsaken days (I love them but I have no protective layer). When I woke up my Dad and his wife were reading the paper and my brother and his were gone home without a good-bye (we're OK like that) and my step-boys were downstairs watching something and my youngest with her dad elsewhere and my oldest, my oldest, waiting for momma to wake up so they, she, he could tell the truth.

In the night he reached up into her bed and under her shirt and he touched her in a way that no one should ever touch anyone if they are not fully and complicitly intimate and if they ARE NOT YOUR @#$@#$ BABY SISTER and they were 20 and 15 respectively and my whole world came apart right then and right there. How awful to say that. Her whole world came apart. His whole world. Do not say he does not matter because even though we want to rip his testicles through his nose he does indeed still matter. And yet, yes, my whole world came apart.

Never mind the niceties of having to wrap up the visit with Dad and Step-mom and send them on their way back to Vermont with lots of it will be OK this kind of thing happens and you know you should never have put them in the same room and teach her some self defense and

OHMYFUCKINGHOLYGODWHATDOIDONOWISTHISHOWMYMOTHERFELTAFTERIWASRAPED
ANDSHESATOUTSIDETHEBATHROOMAFTERICAMEBACKFROMTHEHOSPITALWHILEIWASHED
AWAYTHEBADDDDDBADDDBADDNESSANDKNEWATSEVENTEENTHATICOULDNEVERMAKE
ITBENOTSONOTINAMILLIONYEARS

I sent him out of the house to his father's indefinitely until my girl was ready to see him again after I let her scream and yell and pound his chest and oh! oh! oh!

We went to a movie, me and my girl and somehow I had little girl too? We saw that night at the museum movie and through the whole thing I tried to work out how I might live through this enough to catch my girl and save her

I cannot save my girl. There is no saving anybody.

But there is love. And oh god I do.