needs to be

do not look this horse in the eye
just yet.
come up on him sideways and let him
breathe in your ear and hair
a minute
before turning to glance
hoofward
at least respecting his need to be
respected.

in the earth

in front of this screen i sit

and contemplate the rain that goes on behind

my back while i am only looking

here



today it seems that i know

more than i often know

that i need to heal myself



running takes the edge off

but playing in the dirt goes soul deep

i can smell the earth and the ozone

and would much rather weed

than code

today.

wednesday after a meeting with H

i am
terribly frightened
most of the time
unless i am angry or something less than
honest with myself

i don't know if
it's lack of common sense or why
i would put up this fight
anyway

when it is so much
easier
to not
not
not
face the day.

I am on the witness stand. I am eighteen or nineteen years old. My father is in the courtroom. There is a class field trip to the courtroom why are they in here? I see only young girls not much younger than me even though there might be boys I only see the girls it is so so so so so hard to breathe and I think only of not crying and I think this is the first time I could not breathe and now it is like this a lot.

The man asks me questions and I answer the questions as I was raised to do straight forward and honest and you just speak the plain truth, ma'am. It is hard to do this because I am distracted by my heart throbbing in my veins and my shaking legs and my guilt.

The man asks me questions and I answer the questions I don't hear anything else but later in a room with my dad he tells me that was not good someone has made a mistake and the evidence is denied and there is only my word and nothing else and I am just small and full of shame.

My dad tells me that our friend will take care of this if I want but I don't think he really means that but I ask him anyway how our friend would take care and it's about what I expected. That is not who I want to be and suddenly I want very much to believe there is a god even though my dad does not believe there is a god or he's got a lot to answer for! says my dad and I latch onto maybe there is a god and God will just take care of this and I do not have to go back in that room

and say what the fat man did to me face down on the white carpet dirty hair because i have to finish a paper and no time to look nice i am alone in the house no dog no dad no mom no brother i am so small and i don't want to die and there is a recording when i dial 911 even though schools have told me all my life i think to dial this number in case of emergency and it is an emergency and there is only a recording

i am so full of shame.

I have been on the witness stand two other times in my life, both for divorces. Both times I thought I'd like to die but did not. There was no reason for this because everything was worked out before hand and we were only presenting to the judge. I made a big mistake about ten years ago and now I have to go back on that stand and it's not going to be a nice time and it's not going to be an easy time and there are going to be some pretty horrible things said and I know this is the right thing to do. I know.

but i am so full of shame.

Never mind, worked it out

I've been trying to work out how to communicate with the Contrary Goddess for weeks and only now, after posting a cry for help, worked it out. And I'm in technology?

Help?

Maybe someone can help me. I have two other blog sites, both are very easy to access, sign into and identify. This one, not so much. I actually set this site up so that I could leave comments on other blogger.com sites. The problem I'm having is that I can't seem to sign in to comment on another site. My site is called Alecto Alone. My nickname is Alecto. My user id is my yahoo email address. So none of these has been accepted as a login user name and password combination. Which is it?

hmmmm

I am looking for a new home like an animal that senses some level of danger or just wants a safe place to rest it's head. Perhaps I am reinventing myself again?

sniff sniff

This might be my new home. Sniff sniff, scratch... lets see what it can do